who am i

it hits me with shocking gut wrenching clarity that i have no clue who i am. all this time i have been what i thought others have expected me to be. and here i am and wonder where that is.

what now?

i guess that is as good a start as any, but now i am left wondering whatthefuck? where to now? do i just dog paddle around this sea of confusion until inspiration slams its wave of insight into me? do i go down for the count realizing that drowning is not too bad of a way to go? do i swim like hell and hope i can find shore, recognizable shore? or will i recognize anything?

do i look up and see the stars and wonder what comes after and beyond?