Sometimes, it's a-l-m-o-s-t ok...

Sometimes, late at night, when the world sleeps and i pace;
others slumber and dream and i dread;
sometimes
sometimes
i get this tiny, small kernel of a feeling that everything is gonna be ok.

whether in response to an anticipated outing, or the thought of new love, or new shoes or the rest of the world getting its collective head out of its ass and globally forgetting ourselves and doing something really humane
sometimes..

I get his miniscule, microscopic, cellular , tiny, flicker, wayy way dwon deep that its all ok.

WHICHISINSTANTLYBLUDGEONEDOUTTATHEWAYWITHTHETHOUGHTTHAT:

No, it isn't. It isn't ok. This is you we're talking about, so no.
No its not gonna be ok.
Its never gonna be ok.
Not for you.
You don't ever get "ok".

Then i cry.

i wonder why it doesnt get to be ok for me?
i wonder why not.
what did I do ?
maybe if i keep
doing
it
will
be
ok.
so i circle shark-like, never resting, cant stop might miss the ok if i stop
(btw it has been confirmed by eeg that arcticnurse does not go into rem sleep)
keep moving
circle like the dark under my eyes
blank closes in, envelops
and i drift off
to a purgatory
of my own making.